careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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