I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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