I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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