Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
