Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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