You're so nebulous sometimes
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
