I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
