I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
