She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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