I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
