Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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