Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize