It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
