best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
