I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Randomize
