Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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