Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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