I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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