I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
