ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
