Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
