hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
it's not cheating when I paid for it
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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