Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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