She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
