We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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