i barfeds in our rink
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
