so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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