U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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