tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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