I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
