I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
