One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
