i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
