remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
