then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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