its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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