my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
