What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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