So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
