so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
