So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
