im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
