i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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