Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
