I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
