it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
