I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
