This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
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I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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