I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
