Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
