I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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