How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I AM VODKA MAN
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
