I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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