got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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