the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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