Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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