Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
