i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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