omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
